And for the first time in a long time, I meant it. 

In the form of delicious dinner at The Cheesecake Factory, a pretty decent movie with cuddles, a late night stroll through Walmart with Nerf sword fights, and more cuddling in my car for a couple hours. All with a very pretty lady, and without a hitch. Add that to getting a job earlier in the day, and I’d call it a very successful Friday. Keep them coming, yeah?

I don’t want to jinx it, but things just seem to be going right for me the past week or so. And I’m really happy about this. 

First time, I think ever, I did not look at fireworks. Nobody was home, available, or texting me. Completely alone to find food, walk the dog, and get ready to make more people happy. That is to say, I’m driving towards my mothers to go to an amusement park with her for her vacation. But today she informed me that I’m only really invited because she can’t keep up with my siblings in top of the friends kids she is bringing. So basically I’m a child-wrangler for this Thursday, and my herd is 6 kids. Again I say, making people happy. I just wish somebody tried to make me happy once in a while.. At the end of the day, I think I just want someone to genuinely ask me how I am.

But alas, I must go to sleep. Gotta get up early to shower and prepare for the day.

You have no idea how happy I am.

Place your bets on how I injure myself now. 

That’s how long I went without terrible dreams. How long I lasted being purely happy.


But, as with everything in life, it never lasts. 

FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK FUCK, FUCKKKKKKKK.

FUCK.

I thought I told you to stay the hell away from my dreams, making me feel like they are real and shit. Convincing me of things I know aren’t true.

The reality is, I’m done with you. I’m done with my feelings for you. I’m done with what we thought we were. I’m done with what I thought you were. I’m done with how happy I thought we were.

Now excuse me if I want to enjoy my happiness. Because while you might be having the best time of your fucking life? I’m not. I stand here, alone. I stand here, scared. I stand here, with all the bullshit that goes on through my life. It may seem like I’m happy, but everyone knows I’m good at hiding my shit. I’m tired of getting to a point where I’m content, where I think I’m happy. And then everything just collapses on me.

Tons of people have been telling met that I deserve to be happy and that things will turn around.

WHEN?

When is karma gonna come around and give me my just desserts? Because after the metric shit ton of a life? I think I’m long overdue for a genuine smile and good fucking time.

So I ask you. No, I tell you.

STAY.
THE.
FUCK.
OUT.
OF.
MY.
HEAD.

You have absolutely no right in there. You have no purpose in there. Nothing is going to change between us, and I’m very okay with that. I just want to live my life.

Just once this week I’d like a normal night of sleep. A normal dream.

Is that too much to ask for?

/rant. Sorry if you think less of me now.

You go to your voice lessons class and get into a really good groove with the teacher right away. We did some scales, and apparently I have a really good voice and the best range he’s heard in all 13 years of his teaching. He didn’t want to test my “full voice” just yet, but he’s expecting great things. He was impressed that I want to get into acting, and that I beatbox. Also, he was surprised to learn that I haven’t had actual lessons since I stopped chorus and band back at the start of 8th grade. He gave me a few songs and exercises to do between now and next week, and it went really well. 

I’m just surprised at all the praise I got from him. Also, apparently I have a really good ear for the music. 

somehow my fortune cookies always seem to be pretty spot on for my personality and all. Shame the lotto numbers never seem to work. I had a third fortune somewhere from the past that I wanted to post, but I seem to have misplaced it.. If only the ones that were about life outside of my own personality came true.. 

about you last night. And everything was as perfect as I believe they could ever be for me. To be that happy..it was the best dream I’ve had in a long time. I just wish it didn’t have to end. But who knows, maybe one day I won’t have to be asleep to be that happy. People have said if you dream something more than once, it’ll come true. Well, let’s hope it continues.