Last night when we finally went to sleep, I slept like a rock. I seriously have not slept that well in years.

Last night when we finally went to sleep, I slept like a rock. I seriously have not slept that well in years.

I could be wrong, but I don’t think so..

And for the first time in a long time, I meant it. 

My dad invited me to join him and his girlfriends family for a vacation at the end of next month. I’m 21 years old, and this is the first offer from anyone in the family to join them on a vacation. The kicker is that, according to him, the only way I can join him is if I pay my own way. But he’s paying for her kids, and putting forward the gas money and things that accompany everything else to getting to Albany. His flesh and blood, and I have to pay my own way to be around racist (towards dad and I at least), grumpy, people. It’s amazing how much of a joke the things that happen in my life really are sometimes.. 

Mom also invited me to vacation with her, Brian, and the kids. They’re looking to do something in July. The original plan was to go somewhere on the shore, but they had some unexpected costs and had to make different arrangements. They actually want to come near me, and tour through Philly and the like with me. And not that the costs will be much, other than food, but they’re going to pay my whole way. Strange how different my parents handle things, I think.

I submitted all my stuff for school today. Mailed all the documentation, sent them my essay. Before I know it, it’s going to be time to audition, and then who knows? I’m still not nervous or anything like that. But I can’t help but want to sit on a rooftop and talk to someone about all this change that’s happening in my life. And I don’t even necessarily mean the change of just my personal life. A lot has happened with the people around me in the past few weeks. I’m not at liberty to post any of the information here, but it’s all very big stuff. We’re all ending up spreading out, and I’m not really sure where we’ll end up. I don’t want to lose any of them, I know that. I can only hope that they feel the same. 

When I was at mom’s over the weekend I laid under the stars. First time I’ve really been able to do that in months. Somehow it felt different than it has in the past. Maybe it’s because of all that’s going on. By the time I got up off the hood of the truck, I felt a cold spot on my chest, perhaps wanting someone on it to warm it. All these people tell me I’m a good person, and a nice guy, and yet alls that I really am is lonely. How does one translate to the other?

I should probably stop here, as my thoughts are getting all scrambled before even leaving my fingers. Not like anyone is really gonna pay this much mind. But, if you read it, thanks. Even if I don’t know your eyes have scanned my thoughts, I appreciate you. 

So I realized that it’s been a while since I’ve actually sat down and written my thoughts out on here about things in life. Guess it’s just been really busy, and I’ve probably lost track of which way is up more often than I should. 

Well I guess the biggest news is that I’m finally applying to the school I want to go to. I’m submitting my application tomorrow, and then auditioning sometime between now and the middle of June. I’m not scared, or excited, really, and I don’t quite know what that may mean. I’m sure my attitude towards it will change as the time comes closer, but who knows? To think, in barely 4 months I could be actually getting on this dream that so many think is just simply folly.. I suppose that part excites me a bit. The school itself was pretty great. It’s small, which I think will help a quite a bit. And everything is so accessible through the buildings, and the fact that it’s friggan New York City. Like, the city has absolutely anything, at any time of day. And I’m really happy that there is a variety of ages among the students. I had initially feared that I was going to be surrounded by fresh out of high schoolers, which is not something I would definitely be down for. I could probably go on about this part for a while, but I’ll stop here.. 

My grandparents are finally getting their surgeries done. In fact, my grandmother goes under the knife this time tomorrow afternoon. And grandfather will be getting his done shortly after, as he gets his consult Thursday morning. Which basically all translates to the fact that I’m going to be driving everyone around and taking care of them for a while. I don’t necessarily mind that all, but it’s surely gonna add up after a while. Who knows how long they’re going to be on the mend? 

We’re also getting a new kitchen put in, and construction started Monday. It’s 2 weeks of waking up at 8am, and eating out for basically every meal. Personally I think it’s a waste of money that could have gone towards so many other things, but since when have their budget skills been exactly sensible?

Lately I’ve been wanting to vent to people about things, or even just share excitement with. But I don’t really know who to turn to. A lot of my friends have a lot more pressing matters on their plates, and I don’t really like to be a bother or anything. I’ve been told it’s not a good idea to keep it all in, and keep doing what I’m doing, but I don’t really know how to change it. Though I think if I were able to, maybe for just a night, my sleep schedule and dreams would be very thankful. 

Summer’s coming, and it sucks that I’m still single, but that’s life I suppose. I mean, it’d be great to have someone to go out with instead of remaining the odd-man out, but also I realize that I may be leaving in a few months. Sure, Manhattan isn’t very far from Philly, but still. I doubt anybody would wanna do that. It’s just gonna suck having to form all new relationships with people. 

I dunno.. I kinda lost the motivation to write this a paragraph and a half ago. But that might be due to the fact that it’s 2:30. Maybe I’ll edit it tomorrow, and make it more interesting.   

Goodness, what the days of ad-running would have been like…

I ran out of room on my paper. They’re prolly gonna hate me for all this. 

Like Monday night when my Grandfather wanted to put break fluid in the reservoir of the Jeep so that he could show the leak in the system when he pumped the brakes. Pumping air into the system and the master cylinder like that is a good way to blow more brake lines, and blow the master cylinder. Sure, you’re wasting money on everything else, so why not cause more damage that I need to repair? And when I told him not to do that, he said “Oh, it’s fine.” Twenty minutes later you’re on the phone with your son and he tells you the same thing, and you go “Oh, I didn’t realize that. That would be bad to do, thanks for telling me. That saved me money, I’m sure.” What the actual fuck?

And just now, I’m on the phone with dad, talking about (finally) being able to register the Jeep in this state. The biggest thing stopping us was the condition of the emissions that the Jeep puts out. Engine mods, and a straight pipe exhaust will screw with that. But when the state sends us a letter that says they basically have a license plate ready for us to pay for and pick up for it, without inspection, I think I would know what I was talking about. But no, you have to contradict everything I say, and tell me why I’m wrong. Of course I realize that upon an actual inspection there are a number of reasons why the damn thing wouldn’t pass; the body rust, low front brakes, and cracked leaves in the suspension are reason enough to make any car get a big red ‘F’ slapped on the windshield. But I know what I read, despite all that. But no, as your father before you, you cannot take my work on anything. So you’ll “talk to him about it” and he’ll give you the same information with perhaps a slightly different packaging. The only difference is that you’ll believe him no problem, and I apparently am blowing steam out of my ass. 



The moral of this rant is that I’m apparently a dumbass.