Her mother loving me, or the fact that she basically claimed my favorite hoodie. 

I’ll assume some of you still kinda keep track of me through here. Which means there may be a couple of you that know that I’ve been working my ass off for an audition for an acting school in New York for the past couple months. Well, I auditioned on Thursday.. 

…And Friday afternoon, I received a call and was informed that I was accepted. I can’t believe it actually is happening. Months, and months, I’ve waited. Putting up with nonsense from every direction. Wanting to get back into the swing of things, but not able to because of a lack of convenience for everyone else. But FINALLY I was able to do something huge for myself.

I’ve had the information for a day and a half, and I think it’s finally just hit me, really. I mean, all this.. this has to be a sign that I’m actually GOOD at something like this, right? Like, that I’m not some fool who thinks he knows what he’s doing because a few elective courses went well. At my audition, the guy in the room watching my monologues, he said.. He said I had something. Something that a lot of kids he saw didn’t. He didn’t say exactly what he meant, but that’s gotta be a good thing, right? What he did flat out say, was that the stage lights loved my features. Which I think is probably the most unique compliment I’ve ever gotten..

I don’t know that these words are doing justice to the way I actually feel right now. For things to be going just so… right.. for me lately. It was a long time coming, I think. And I’m just so thrilled for all of it. 

Not entirely. There were a lot of high points, and a lot of compliments. But there were also a few low points. Thankfully my nerves weren’t too bad, and I didn’t freeze up at all. Goes to show how far I have come since the first time I had a monologue. On the flip side of that, though, I’ve realized that my face has been at a constant zillion degrees and my stomach has been a big knot since we got off the train. I just wanna curl into a ball of limbs with a certain someone and just sleep until I get the letter with the decision. 

Here’s to hoping the wait isn’t too long, and that I get back to normal me by morning.  

As she woke up, and showered,
And got ready for her day.
I filled the space within the bed
And wished that she could stay.

Gone for merely minutes,
I think twenty at the most.
Time moves by so freely
when we’re driving to the coast. 

And tonight in bed again I lay,
it’s not the same without you.
Again I wish that you could stay,
Cause it’s not the same without you.  

Last night when we finally went to sleep, I slept like a rock. I seriously have not slept that well in years.

Last night when we finally went to sleep, I slept like a rock. I seriously have not slept that well in years.

I could be wrong, but I don’t think so..

And for the first time in a long time, I meant it. 

My dad invited me to join him and his girlfriends family for a vacation at the end of next month. I’m 21 years old, and this is the first offer from anyone in the family to join them on a vacation. The kicker is that, according to him, the only way I can join him is if I pay my own way. But he’s paying for her kids, and putting forward the gas money and things that accompany everything else to getting to Albany. His flesh and blood, and I have to pay my own way to be around racist (towards dad and I at least), grumpy, people. It’s amazing how much of a joke the things that happen in my life really are sometimes.. 

Mom also invited me to vacation with her, Brian, and the kids. They’re looking to do something in July. The original plan was to go somewhere on the shore, but they had some unexpected costs and had to make different arrangements. They actually want to come near me, and tour through Philly and the like with me. And not that the costs will be much, other than food, but they’re going to pay my whole way. Strange how different my parents handle things, I think.

I submitted all my stuff for school today. Mailed all the documentation, sent them my essay. Before I know it, it’s going to be time to audition, and then who knows? I’m still not nervous or anything like that. But I can’t help but want to sit on a rooftop and talk to someone about all this change that’s happening in my life. And I don’t even necessarily mean the change of just my personal life. A lot has happened with the people around me in the past few weeks. I’m not at liberty to post any of the information here, but it’s all very big stuff. We’re all ending up spreading out, and I’m not really sure where we’ll end up. I don’t want to lose any of them, I know that. I can only hope that they feel the same. 

When I was at mom’s over the weekend I laid under the stars. First time I’ve really been able to do that in months. Somehow it felt different than it has in the past. Maybe it’s because of all that’s going on. By the time I got up off the hood of the truck, I felt a cold spot on my chest, perhaps wanting someone on it to warm it. All these people tell me I’m a good person, and a nice guy, and yet alls that I really am is lonely. How does one translate to the other?

I should probably stop here, as my thoughts are getting all scrambled before even leaving my fingers. Not like anyone is really gonna pay this much mind. But, if you read it, thanks. Even if I don’t know your eyes have scanned my thoughts, I appreciate you.